DRIVERS 101

The situation is this: You are driving in the fast lane passing all of the cars in the lane(s) to your right, and then you come up on some jackass driving the speed limit (or less) in the fast lane. Whatever speed this waste-of-life is driving; it is too slow and impedes your progress. Is this person in front of you (a) a complete moron oblivious to what is going on and doesn’t realize he is blocking traffic, or is he (b) a total asshole that (1) thinks that he is doing everybody a service by demonstrating safe driving by doing the speed limit (playing citizen patrolman), (2) is intimidated by anyone driving faster than him (he would be emasculated if someone had the audacity to pass him), or (3) enjoys pissing other people off and is possibly trying to provoke a physical altercation with other drivers? If you encounter type (a), they will usually move out of the way after they notice you flashing your lights at them, honking, and riding their ass. Often they do so in a jerky manner, almost as if they have just been awoken from a coma. Type (b)? This is another story. You will have to move back into the slow lane (assuming it isn’t also blocked like James Gandolfini’s arteries) and drive forward to the point at which you can cut back over into the fast lane (preferably cutting in only inches in front of the douche bag that was holding you up). For bonus points, hit the brakes causing asstardo to have to slam on theirs. Chances are when you pass this chode, they will give you a dirty look, shake a fist at you, or give you the middle finger. Here’s your chance to demonstrate your simulated oral-sex gesture. Most likely this will really infuriate the ass-clown driving next to you. Your work here is done.

Closely related to the numb-nuts above are the citizen patrolpeople driving around on our city streets (that are most of the time zoned at 25-35 mph). If you think that 25 mph is torture and you’d rather get your teeth pulled than drive that slow, patrolpeople would like to introduce you to 10 mph. They will absolutely lose it when you pass them in a residential neighborhood.

What about the clowns that apparently don’t know how to use their turn signals? They just merge in front of you out of nowhere (and your the asshole for not knowing they wanted in?). Then their polar opposite is the jerk that just goes ahead and leaves their blinker on permanently. Ten miles later, they’re still ‘getting over.’

Then there’s the cheese-dick in front of you on the freeway on-ramp barely approaching 40 mph that will probably get everyone killed when they enter traffic that is moving at 80 mph. Usually the elderly not wanting to tackle any challenge in too much of a hurry, they are more focused on remembering whether it’s a CAT scan or a colonoscopy that they are going in for next week than merging onto the freeway.

The chump that won’t let you get in? Even though you’ve had your blinker on for the past three miles, the lovely people on the I-10 keep playing a game called speed-up-slow-down-don’t-let-in. The world will come to an end if just one person gets in front of them. In LA we just start moving in; it’s the only way it will ever happen. Nobody wants to get hit so they grudgingly cooperate. When I’ve used this tactic in other parts of the country, people have become highly offended. Good times.

Some bitch is always talking on her phone waiting at a stop sign. Then confusion ensues as she forgets whose turn it is to go. After honking and half starts, gestures and dirty looks, the situation eventually works itself out just in time for the retard that thinks it’s a great idea to drive while he shaves. After nicking himself, he fails to stop, causing you to swerve onto the sidewalk and damn near run over girl scouts. After you get back on the road, you will be rear-ended by some goth chick putting on her black lipstick while looking in her rear view mirror. She slams on her brakes at the last minute and barely dents your fender. Later the tourist trying to read his map / GPS device will actually total your car in the middle of the intersection.

Backseat-drivers are always a pleasure. “Turn here.” “Slow down.” “That was the turn back there.” “Hurry up.” I have two words for these people; you know what they are. They are almost always the same people who never stop complaining about how bad other people drive while they themselves may in fact be the world’s worst driver.

And then there is the guy that complains about your choice of music; they think that all forms of electronica are called ‘techno’ and suggest you play their Lady Gaga CD instead. We’ll discuss this shitbird in more depth in a later post. For now, just remember this complainer is also probably the same guy you were kind enough to give a ride to out of the goodness of your heart and is now complaining about your excessive use of air conditioning and explaining to you how you should use public transportation more often. I think in some countries it is legal to kill these people.

by: Poop

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~ by zoopandpoop on February 5, 2010.

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