Gym Tards

The gym is one of my favorite places to be. I love working out and fitness in general; nothing beats a couple hours of lifting to work out daily frustrations and stress. A good run seems to sweat out the toxins and clear out the lungs. No matter how absolutely shit the day is, the gym always makes me feel better like an old friend that is always there. Good for health, mental and physical, the gym is my sanctuary.

After a while you get to recognize the regulars. Some are cool. The ones that are serious about what they are doing sort out the ones that aren’t. We nod in passing. Occasionally we exchange a few words, but mostly we are focused on pumping iron. Insert manly grunts here.  Despite the lack of verbalization between the lot of us, there is a sense of community, and we’re always glad to see the die-hard s.o.b. grinding it out late on a Friday night when most people are probably getting hammered at the club.

A variety of characters appear at the never ending parade of ass-clowns passing through the gym.

“Sweatin to the Oldies”: The senior that is using the machine on the lowest setting possible and most likely will occupy it for the next 20 to 30 minutes. They may or may not complete at least three sets during this time.

“I’m gonna meet a Girl/Guy”: The girl is dolled up wearing skimpy gym clothes and makeup. She will not do anything strenuous enough to make her sweat. The guy will similarly appear fresh. He will likely try lifting more than he should on any exercise in the proximity of the girl he is desperately trying to attract. Because she will be really interested in how much weight he lifts right? He may even offer up advice on how she is doing the exercise wrong, but “he can help.” These jack-offs clog up the machines/weights that serious people want to use. Go to a singles bar all of you, and maybe try doing some crazy shit like talking to the girl instead of showing off your biceps dickweed.

“I’m the next Ultimate Fighter Super-Dude-Bro”: These wanks walk around wearing their Tapout or Affliction shirts (standard issue for a real badass!) looking like they’re gonna snap at any moment (cause they’re on the edge man). Then they beat the stuffing out of the heavy bag until they are tired and then play with the weights for a few minutes. How cute. Anyone watching their antics will quickly realize they have very little form or technique for the most part. Real boxers that are training just laugh. Mostly they are 18-25 year-old males that have been sucked in by one too many reality shows.

“Gym Queens”: Spend more time in front of the mirror than any other part of the gym. Some of them are actually competition bodybuilders, but you also get the narcissists that likely don’t realize anyone else is even in the same space. It’s the funniest when it’s a dude that is really out of shape flexing like he’s Hercules.

“The Social Club”: Group of friends that is there more to bullshit and screw off than actually train. Girls tend to do this more with the cardio equipment, and if one makes the mistake of going first thing in the morning or directly after work, there will be no chance in hell of getting a treadmill, bike, or elliptical trainer. Few in this group are training hard enough to reach their target heart rate, but can say that “they worked out” and not feel guilty about shoving cake down their throats later.

“The Chatty Cathy”: A guy or girl that just starts talking to you out of nowhere when you are stuck next to them on a piece of cardio equipment. Sometimes, though not always, the fact that you are running full out and huffing and puffing indicates to them that you aren’t into talking. This can be harder with HIIT (high intensity interval training), because when you come down for breathers you are fair game. Headphones are handy, but not always a guarantee.

“The Growler”: Apparently every rep during every set is causing extreme exertion for this guy who grunts and growls through his entire workout like a fucking yeti giving birth to siamese twins.

“The Farter”: Sure everyone lets out a ripper now and then (usually when doing heavy squats or bench presses). It happens. But there are others that are constantly crop-dusting the place. Go take a shit bro! I once was stuck on a treadmill next to a lady that kept farting throughout her entire walk. At the time I was training for a 10k and was only a quarter of the way through when she got on next to me. It was either keep going or quit, as there were no other machines. Rough trade.

“Stinky Pete”: This guy (rarely a woman) doesn’t change his gym clothes for days/weeks at a time. He is a smeller. Period.

by:  Poop

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~ by zoopandpoop on February 6, 2010.

One Response to “Gym Tards”

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