Men Playing with Each Other’s Balls

Do you enjoy watching grown men play with each other’s balls? If so you may be one of  millions of sports fans. The superbowl has come and gone, and soon it will be March Madness. Then the NBA World Championship Series (though actually they only play other teams from the United States and not the rest of the world), summertime baseball, NFL preseason, and the World Series (again it’s just the local teams; maybe the world is just in the USA). Add in Nascar, hockey, golf, soccer (what the rest of the world calls football), boxing and UFC and there is no reason for ever getting your fat ass off of the couch.

“Now here’s a guy that can run, jump, and catch a ball; he’s got it all.” I recently heard one of the announcers for a football game make this comment. A few days earlier my friend made a very similar comment about his three year old boy who loves playing catch in the backyard. When will they start handing out Nobel prizes for people that master the art of locomotion? Should be any day now right? A boxing announcer stated, “Boy he’s really using those rights and lefts!” No shit huh? I was really thinking he was going to start headbutting and crotch bumping the other guy. Thanks for pointing that out Captain Obvious. John Madden may be the worst offender in the sports announcer world. Nobody else can ramble on and on about painting their fence, turkey sandwiches, and explanations of how one team needs more points than the other to win. He should have stuck with commercials for rakes and hedge clippers at Ace Hardware. Most of these guys are the same though; they provide a never-ending narration for morons as to what is going on in the game. This would only be helpful if you were listening to the game on the radio (and really, how lame is that?)

It’s understandable why somebody would want to become a professional athlete. They get paid anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars to throw or kick chunks of rubber and leather around a grassy field. They get paid to play a game they enjoyed playing when they were children. What could be better than that? Many of them take this paycheck and give back to the community; those guys are awesome. A lot of them spend it snorting coke off strippers asses or adding pitbulls to their dog-fighting organization (glad to see everyone forgave this piece of shit because he’s good at playing games). They really deserve millions because they make such a difference in the world. Fuck firefighters, paramedics, teachers, cops or other worthless people like that making barely enough to get by – they don’t deserve shit. People that can whack a ball a few hundred yards with a metal stick do though. Store clerks, waitresses, and office drones don’t deserve to get paid enough to buy their kids new clothes (probably a sports jersey), but some jackass that can jump high and stuff a rubber ball through a net should live in a 10,000 square foot house and have ten exotic cars. What a crock of shit.

A lot of the money comes from advertising. If you are a sports fan, then you probably know quite a bit about various beers and male enhancement products that you need. Of course if you cut back on the beer and got some exercise yourself, you probably wouldn’t need boner pills. The stadiums do a thorough job of raping the fans too. I was once taken to a preseason NFL game with seats in the nose-bleed section that had cost my buddy, “only $60 each.” How much for seats you can actually see the game from? And that was preseason. Beers were only $10 each. They wash down $5 hotdogs really well though. No true fan shows up without a $70 jersey and a $25 hat. Because when you wear the jersey, you are that player. You’re part of the team. Nothing is given back to the fans. Nobody on the team gives a flying fuck about you. The only people that care are the promoters, owners, and merchandisers because they want every one of your hard earned dollars. Everyone talks about, “my team,” and they tell you, “We’re doing good this season!” Your team? Which position do you play again? You’re doing good? Does that mean they will be giving you a fat bonus check for doing so “good?” (check out Big Fan)

Team loyalty is serious business. This last week I’ve overheard a lot of conversations between guys talking about how they hate, “all these fucking guys jumping on the Saints bandwagon.” These people of course were always Saints fans since the time they were born and nobody else has the right to start cheering for “their team.” In reality half the people doing the shit talking were “hardcore” Steelers fans last year, and were “all about” the Giants the year before. Who gives a fuck anyways? The players hop around from one team to the next like frogs on PCP; the team is a different cast of characters every year. Is loyalty to the name of the team, the city, or the other ass-tards that are wearing the same clothing as you? This brotherhood or nation that you belong to, I wonder, would they give two shits about you outside of the pathetic little sports connection that you have? Two Eagles fans in Philadelphia recently cut open a random woman’s face because she was wearing a Cowboys jersey. Truly pathetic. But hey, they’re part of the team right? They’ve got their jerseys on; they’re real men!

They are real men that know everything about the sport and will tell you why all these guys over here are lousy players. Of course they’ve never played a day in their lives, but that somehow doesn’t mean that they don’t know way more than the guys on the screen getting paid the big bucks. Most of the slobs couch-surfing sports are living vicariously because they are too lazy to actually play any kind of sports themselves. Almost every community offers a wide variety of league sports that even the untalented can play in. Of course you can’t stuff your face and get wasted if you get involved with these groups of “pussys.” Real men pound beer on the couch or at the bar with other real men (some of whom they later hang out with at AA meetings). Then there are the guys who played back in high school and want to relive those couple of precious years for the rest of their lives.

Real men sports fans in the US of A hate soccer; “it’s for faggots.” Of course the rest of the world doesn’t think so as it is the most popular sport in the world. It’s also a sport that our country isn’t very good at compared to the rest of the world. So, “it’s for faggots.” These “faggots” also happen to be the most vicious and violent fans in the world, often starting riots and killing rival fans (see Green Street Hooligans). The truly sick and pathetic escalated to an international level.

Okay, so soccer is gay, but not WWF. Huge bulging men wearing Speedos sitting on each others faces and holding each other in the most intimate of ways is very manly. Real men! And if one can get past the ridiculous costumes, then there is the whole dramatic soap-opera-for-men to deal with. For as long as I can remember, everyone has said that wrestling was fake, and yet they keep watching it. Of course now, people are more interested in UFC. Nothing quite like watching two men beat each other into bloody messes. When will there be a sport called ‘knife-to-death?’ That’s really the next step; a return to gladiator death matches would be a huge success with our blood-thirsty fans. Nothing ever really changes.

Let us not forget to mention Nascar. If you enjoy watching cars that all look the same at 200mph driving in circles for hours, you came to the right place. “My favorite driver is…” Favorite driver? Really? I can’t tell you how impressed I am by watching other people drive. It’s fucking amazing. When I get on the freeway, it’s like I’m in heaven watching everyone drive. Favorite driver… My head is going to explode. The loyalty thing applies here too. I’ve seen retards at a bar fighting because one of them said, “Fuck number 88!” Big words. I’m sure Mr. Earnhardt would have your back any day Jesse Lee.

Tiger Woods sinks his balls in the 12th hole, and Mike Vick likes dog-fighting. O.J. Simpson murdered his wife. Big deal. Both guys apologized, and O.J. was found innocent, so it’s okay now. As long as they keep playing “good,” or they were awesome at sports, they can do whatever they want.


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~ by zoopandpoop on February 11, 2010.

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