Valentine’s Day: Classy Prostitution

911 call:
“I’d like to report an assault with a deadly weapon!”
“What happened?”
“This winged fat midget wearing a diaper shot me with an arrow…”

Yippee! Another Valentine’s Day is here! I can’t remember ever enjoying this day in a romantic capacity. And that’s not to say that I didn’t have someone for many of them. It’s a lot of pressure for a person in a relationship, and it can be a real bummer for single women. I think it’s much worse for the ladies – they really take it to heart (no pun intended).

When I was a kid it was fun building and decorating those little boxes and filling out those Snoopy cards with the hearts on them. Even the smelliest weirdest kid was guaranteed to get at least a couple of cards (Probably the ‘Your a real Dufus’ card from the Ducktales collection, but what the hell; one is better than none right?). There was always that childish fantasy that the cute girl in row two, that secretly also liked to eat glue, would give you a smooch on the playground. It was fun and exciting for most normal kids. Who didn’t have their heart skip a beat when they received that special heart shaped (tastes like chalky antacid) candy that said “Be Mine.”

As a grown up, my two best VDs (not venereal diseases) were going to a rave with my buddy and watching him drop an awesome drum n’ bass set, and another year when me and a friend went out for Thai food because both of our significant others had to go out of town on business. I started out a true believer in romance and ended up a cynical bastard after ten years of crummy relationship VDs as well as a couple of actual VDs (just kidding). I think the biggest disappointment was one year when I spent the time making a trail of little scrolls that each had a hand calligraphied “I love you because…” note written on them. The trail led to a custom made and hand engraved jewelry box with a necklace inside of it. I thought it was a good idea. Apparently not. The response was, “Great, I just got off of work, now I have to clean all this shit up!” Long story short; things didn’t work out. Another time the stone on a ring wasn’t big enough. Another girl didn’t like the home cooked dinner; she wanted to go out to a restaurant. On and on…

There is a lot of pressure put on males to get this day absolutely right. Is it because they fuck up so badly during the rest of the year that they have to make up for it all on one magic day? The jewelry industry would like to make us believe this. “Show her you care, show her you love her…blow your paycheck on some shiny metal and rocks.”

Where did this holiday from hell come from? The Romans of course! Originally February 15th was celebrated as Lupercalia, a fun filled day that included animal sacrifices and young men running around slapping young women with strips of flesh freshly sliced off of the sacrificial goat! It increased fertility! Later the Christians, wanting to ‘Christianize’ existing pagan holidays, merged the date with the stories of various martyred men named Valentine. During the middle ages, the idea of courtly love was attached to the holiday, and by the mid-19th century, the first mass produced cards started being printed (for men that were too inarticulate or creative to write anything of their own). Really what could say ‘I Love You’ more than taking five minutes out of your busy day to stop by the grocery store to buy a mass-produced card, signing your name on it, and then giving it to your special someone? Not much.
Well, maybe a heart shaped box of guess-which-one-isn’t-filled-with-vomit-inducing-filling chocolates would be better. I got one of those once. I turned my back for a few minutes and discovered my dog had got into it and eaten every last one. Greedy little bastard! You’d think he could’ve at least saved me one. That was a fun night of cleaning up doggie diarrhea. Thank you candy industry. Or what about decomposing plant life? That seems brilliant. Spend a hundred bucks on a nice flower arrangement that will be rotting trash in four days. I was once told, “It’s not about the flowers, it’s about how much you spend that means a lot.” Can I just give cash? No you cannot you thoughtless heartless bastard!

The guy is expected to buy flowers, candy, a card, and dinner at a fancy restaurant. A romantic getaway weekend is highly encouraged along with the other stuff. What about the women? Do some searching online on this very question, and you will discover a dearth of answers? The most commonly held belief is that the holiday is about the man buying stuff for the woman. The few responses offered are to give the man sex and maybe a card. Clearly a high value is placed on a piece of ass in this equation. The formula looks something like this $ + $ + $ + $ = SEX! I know I’ve seen this somewhere before. I’m thinking of the time I was in Mexico at this one ‘gentlemen’s club’ that had a few extra things on the menu… Valentine’s Day equals turning your loved one into a prostitute for a night? At least that syncs well with calling it VD.

What it boils down to is women want to feel spoiled and men (as should be no surprise) want to get laid. Women, if you want to spoil your man, buy him a six pack of his favorite beer and get some skanky underwear; he’ll love it. Shouldn’t couples be having sex and doing nice things for each other all year long anyways?

But yeah; the holiday is full of pressure on both sides. Men (poor stupid beasts) try their hardest to get it right, but often fall short of high expectations put on them (courtesy of the consumer industry and a non-stop parade of romantic comedies). Women, as well, often feel disappointed on this day for the same reasons. A lot of times it’s a big ass competition between a woman and all of her girlfriends to see who got the most shit. That’s sad. Unless he’s a complete moron, he did his best, and please don’t forget who mucks out the toilet when it is backfiring, keeps your car running, and patches the leaky roof. Boy does that sound chauvinistic and 1950s stereotypical, but to this day, I’m still the one that has had to do all of those things in every relationship I’ve been in.

The single are made to feel miserable because they are alone. It doesn’t help that the damn thing is scheduled for the grayest coldest part of the year. Can I speak to someone in management about this?

So exactly who actually enjoys this holiday? I’ll tell you who: Hallmark, Zales, Daniels, Kay Jewelers, Tiffany and Co., Helzberg Diamonds, See’s Candy…


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~ by zoopandpoop on February 13, 2010.

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