Christian Dinosaurs: What Would T-Rex Do?

If you listen to a true believer Christian, you will quickly discover that all of the “science” of paleontology and evolutionary biology is wrong. The several thousand scientists involved with genetic and evolutionary research for the past fifty years are all making up lies because they are evil people under the control of Satan. That evolution has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt in every corner of our planet repeatedly in hundreds of laboratories by thousands of scientists with mountains of hard, tangible evidence and research that supports all of it; is all a farce.

You better believe that Adam and Eve were running around in the Garden of Eden with most of the cast of Jurassic Park just thousands of years ago (duh! The earth is only 8,000 years old so how could there be a really long 65 million years separation between dinosaurs and humans that has been repeatedly proven by science). Moses was damn lucky that a T Rex didn’t eat his ass while he was up there gathering his magical stone tablets. That raises another question – Why was the almighty and all powerful delivering his messages on stone tablets – wouldn’t an Ipad have been a lot more convenient all the way around, plus he could have included a sweet PowerPoint presentation on not coveting the neighbor’s wife or some shit? I guess his technology is only as good as the pathetic earthlings at the time. Just think how much more effective the gates of hell would be if they weren’t just wooden doors with iron locks, but instead were made of steel and had laser-beam sensors with machine gun turrets on either side.

Fortunately Noah had a way with animals and had no problem rounding up all the dinosaurs for his magic boat, though you’d think he would have run out of time collecting the several million other species of life (including countless strains of bacteria, etc.) on the ark (which incidentally would be impossible to build large enough to house all of the said creatures in our times – when so many have since gone extinct – using our high technology, let alone the pathetic conditions poor Noah must have been working in with his bumbling children). If you take a closer look at the painting of the Last Supper you will clearly see that Velociraptors are running around under the table snapping at each other.

I feel quite relieved to have the record set straight by our friends over at answersingenesis.org. I never realized that the evidence we should have all been looking at was as follows: “Did you know the word ‘dinosaur’ was first invented in 1841? Dinosaurs were probably called ‘dragons’ before that time. And the Hebrew word for ‘dragon’ is used a number of times in the Old Testament. There are also dragon legends prevalent in cultures around the world. It’s possible these are accounts of encounters with beasts we today call dinosaurs.” Really? That’s the hard hitting evidence? Where’s the A game? I mean, I like Dungeons and Dragons stories too, but I don’t believe a level 34 Orc Wizard is going to get me in the alley. Dragons; are you fucking serious? And oh yeah, Dungeons and Dragons is a game for Satan worshippers according to Christians – so now I’m really confused.

Exhibit B: “…there is a lot of evidence (such as carvings and paintings of dinosaur-like creatures)…” As a historian with three degrees, I can tell you the only paintings of dinosaurs in existence are made by kindergartners that are exploring the wonderful world of finger painting and have watched too much Barney. Carvings? I’d love to see these, but sadly, I know of no museum in the world that has any… But wait a minute; what’s that? Did someone say “Creationmuseum.org?” That’s right; it’s time to pack up the family and make your way out to Petersburg, Kentucky where you can see, “Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden’s Rivers. The serpent coils cunningly in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Majestic murals, great masterpieces brimming with pulsating colors and details, provide a backdrop for many of the settings.” I like the pulsating colors part. Right after you drink the LSD Kool-Aid, you can begin your tour of sheer fucking lunacy!

Yeah buddy! More evidence to be had at clarifyingchristianity.com! These guys actually identify specific dinosaurs mentioned in the Bible: Tanniyn (Hebrew for Dragon) clearly corresponds to the dinosaur kind of dinosaur; Behemoth clearly means Brachiosaurus; and Leviathan is definitely a Kronosaurus. How do they know? That’s easy; by careful classification and observation in the Bible of course! The Behemoth for example, “eats grass like an Ox, moves his (they even identified sex) tail like a cedar, has bones like beams of bronze, ribs like bars of iron, is the first of the ways of God, and lies under the lotus trees in a covert of marsh and reeds.” I don’t know about you, but that clearly says Brachiosaurus to me!

As an intelligent person, it seems ridiculous that it is even possible to rant about a subject such as this, but the sad reality is that as many as 60% of Americans believe that the Bible is the literal truth put down by God himself, and of this number, a great deal are convinced of the comingling of dinosaurs and humans only a few thousand years ago. They are not swayed by fact, evidence, logic, or reason. Pathetic.

Poop

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~ by zoopandpoop on February 28, 2010.

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