Greetings. Been looking for deeper meaning in life through religion? Yet you’re just not enticed by the usual Christ cosmologies, are you? Virgin birth not floating your boat? Do you find that most religions today ignore the many exciting advancements in technology? Does your old church use outdated computers with green dot-matrix text? Not dazzled by the thought of a partly evil universe where Lucifer created dinosaurs just to tempt the pious? Could it be that you’re simply ready for a new and modern approach to life’s greatest conundrums? Well, have I got a religion for you!

Hit mute on that Lifetime movie you TiVoed, put down those platitude-ridden self-help books whose covers show carefree ponies whinnying on beaches, and open your mind to the riveting possibility of extraterrestrial beings intertwined within a complex and appealingly ludicrous mythology right here on your own planet Earth. That’s right, folks, put away that cumbersome bong of crystal methamphetamine—for this is exciting news. What’s more is that these beings imparted many secrets on us, their intergalactic brethren. Like a riverbed glistening with gold nuggets, these secrets merely await your discovery, for a fee, of course.

You see, omnipotent aliens created the universe millennia ago. As a goof, they created Earth; but some grew bored while tinkering with civilization and detonated a bomb in a volcano. Magical spirit-debris from the blast embedded itself into humanity, and there it remains, for all time, poisoning our pure spirits. It’s yucky stuff. Imagine billions of microscopic titanium particles with fangs and stingers that want nothing more than to instill a dull sense of existential grief in their hosts. But you can do something about these spirit-sucking nano-fleas.

Have you ever felt like all the mistakes you ever made originated from another you, or a part of yourself you cannot control but seems to control you? This is the bad alien poison making mischief in your life. But you don’t have to grant it access.

Best-selling science fiction writer (coincidentally) and author of scientifically refuted (coincidentally) self-help books, L. Ron Hubbard, stumbled upon these secrets sixty years ago. Through painstaking maritime research and patented advancements in technology, we’ve developed an arsenal of defenses against the bad aliens who created us, and, in essence, are us, destroyed us, and continue to prevent our true potential as human/alien hybrids. Our advanced techniques and powerful devices are now available to use, and through intensive training and guidance you will learn to combat the remnants of these nasty beings as they interfere with and invade your life. Uniquely tailored for all budgets, our religion offers, among other amazing benefits, eradication of alien debris responsible for causing men to become excited at the sight of another man’s genitalia. So act now, or forever be out of sync with the universe, and yourself.

Join the eternal and internal battle at:

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~ by zoopandpoop on March 4, 2010.

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