Grownups that ‘Don’t Know How To…’

Grownups that Don’t Know How To…

It seems that every generation becomes just a little bit more helpless when it comes to dealing with the day to day glitches in the system. Today, if the toilet backs up, a large number of the population will immediately call a plumber; they have no idea how to operate such specialist equipment as a plunger. If a light bulb goes out in the refrigerator; call the repairman. A tree branch getting a little bit too long; call the yard care specialist. My grandpa had a word for these people; LAZY! Sure, some things require someone with more experience, but so many of the things people “don’t know how to do” should be mastered at the Jedi level by the end of high school.

Basic automotive maintenance is pretty straight forward and easy to do. When a guy tells me they don’t know where the oil goes, or, how to check the oil, I just want to sock them. Not knowing this implies one of two things: 1. They are too lazy to look at the owner’s manual or 2. They are illiterate and cannot read the owner’s manual. Probably both.  I can’t tell you how many morons I have helped change a flat tire because they didn’t have the first clue how to go about it. A ton of things can be easily fixed or changed with a few simple tools and a vehicle guide. It’s just pathetic to take a vehicle in to a mechanic to get spark plugs changed. Maybe it’s biased, but I’m more offended when guys don’t know this stuff than when girls don’t. I could care less about car culture, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay someone else to put in my new air filter. I think both genders should learn how to use a screwdriver and a wrench and stop their feigned ignorance.

Closely related is driving in general. As we have discussed elsewhere, most people are horrible drivers, but how does one come to be an adult and not know how to drive period? I have encountered an unusual number of adults that have this problem. It’s not for financial, ethical, or environmental reasons either. Half just ‘never learned;’ the others ‘are terrified.’ Are you serious? So they depend on other people to give them rides, or use public transportation. In addition, many of these people that ‘never learned,’ also have trouble with bicycles. What rock did they crawl out from under?  Slightly less offensive, but still annoying as hell, are people that ‘can’t drive stick’ (manual transmission). Of course these people always reveal themselves at just the right time; the guy that volunteers to drive later if you want to have a few drinks, but doesn’t bother to inform you that he will be stripping every gear in your car and that your fourth vodka sour of the night will actually cost you a new clutch. Thanks pal!

There’s always that person ‘that’s not good with directions or maps.’ This is beyond frustrating, especially if you are the passenger that knows where to go. ‘Make a right on Birch,’ you say. ‘Where’s Birch? they say. In your head your thinking, ‘you know that street we pass every single F***ING day? Well, it’s that one.’ It’s so much worse when it’s a place that you’ve both been to a million times and they still can’t figure out how to get there. Are they in outer space for twenty minutes at a time? Their body is still here, but clearly they are somewhere else. Trouble with maps? North and South? I think we all mastered geography in the fifth grade – maybe you shouldn’t have eaten so much damn glue! And now with GPS built into many cars and available on most smart phones, how can these people still have excuses? ‘Man I just have trouble with left and right.’

People that ‘can’t cook’ drive me crazy too. Again, it comes down to being lazy as hell. There is a cookbook for every type of food on the planet. These books come complete with words strung together forming sentences which in turn are organized as instructions. Most also have helpful pictures, and several take the time to explain measurements and basic kitchen equipment and techniques. The internet is almost as good as a library of cookbooks. Some sites are better than others, but damn, just get off of your ass and give it a try. ‘I don’t know how to bake or use the oven.’ Please slit your wrists now.

‘I’m not good with electronics.’ Bullshit! What you’re not good with is opening up the user’s manual and getting off the couch to connect a few wires and push a few buttons. It’s not rocket science. I’m pretty sure the general population that has figured out how to DVR American F**KING Idol doesn’t have an advanced degree in particle physics.

‘I don’t get computers.’ Oh yeah…right…you were born in 1875, and you’ve had your head up your ass since 1876 (John McCain for example). This group also can’t use cell phones, think that microwaves have way too many options, and probably still write checks.

‘I don’t know how to swim.’ A dog thrown into a pool, figures out how to swim in under five seconds. I will accept, ‘I can’t swim across an ice cold fast moving river.’ Total paralysis also gets cut some slack.

Grownups that don’t know how to grow up also have ridiculous phobias. ‘I’m afraid of clowns.’ Right, because you saw the movie It (based on the Stephen King novel) you were scarred for life and terrified by clowns…blah, blah, blah, blah. Unless you were anally raped by a clown right after he poured gasoline on your family and made you light the match; I don’t want to hear it. This is total bullshit being used to get attention. Afraid of the dark? Ghosts? Give me a break. You want something to be afraid of? Try my neighborhood where people get shot, stabbed, mugged, and beaten for their wallets; those things are real. Don’t give me this clown crap.

What’s my point? People are just getting to be too soft. They can’t do anything for themselves anymore, and they act helpless and feign ignorance because they are lazy or want attention. If they have some sort of perceived ‘handicap’ than they get special treatment. ‘Oh don’t forget, Karen can’t eat chicken, because of that one time when she was seven she got pecked by a chicken and she was traumatized.’ Husbands that won’t ask for directions and ‘can’t figure out how the stove works.’ Wives, that ‘don’t know how to handle that really terrifying bug’ (that incidentally is 1000 times smaller than them) or use that ‘really crazy metal tool thingy’ (wrench) to tighten a leaky pipe. Of course this brings up an interesting discussion on gender roles as well. It’s so stupid. Everyone should know how to do basic things around the house and take care of their car so they can find their way to the mall and by electronics that they hook up themselves before baking some brownies and plunging that toilet that got backed up because someone ate too many brownies. Grownups should act like grownups and stop adopting phobias because they think it’s cute or want attention. All of the above should be highly offensive to people that actually do have handicaps, learning disabilities, and clinically diagnosed mental illnesses that make them afraid of men wearing wigs and makeup (not queens; clowns).

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~ by zoopandpoop on March 18, 2010.

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